Julia’s story: I’m helping my sisters understand about our past and break the cycle of abuse

Julia* is determined to break the cycles of abuse in her family

The first time my ex-partner pushed me I had been with him for 18 years and we were on holiday and had been drinking alcohol.

It was a total shock, and I didn’t want to think that this is what he was like. I couldn’t quite believe it.

The next situation was a few months after this. He twisted my hands behind my back and tried to push me out of our apartment. He also threw away my phone and laptop. 

The domestic abuse had been quite a slow process, but strangely enough, I soon came to realise that I was used to mentally abusive situations, not just from my partner, but from my mother. 

I called Manchester City Council as I realised this is not how I should be treated, and they did offer me free accommodation, but I was worried about leaving, as I was working, and I didn’t want my work to be impacted. 

Coming into contact with Manchester Women’s Aid and speaking to my domestic abuse worker, has really deepened my understanding of abusive behaviour.

For example, with my mother. She was very mentally and physically abusive to me and my sisters. What I didn’t know, is she was being domestically abused by my father. I learnt that later, as an adult. 

Neither me or my sisters were ever taught about abusive behaviours in men, red flags, or what to look out for. It seemed to be deeply entrenched in our community, and just the way things were. 

I feel like I’m just scratching the surface at understanding the abuse and what happened. 

There were days I felt like nothing, and like I wanted to die. The abuse has had a massive impact on me, and I have experienced a deep depression. 

I have found that emotions stay in the body and workouts and running particularly help me. I get rid of the bad energy and feel emotionally lighter and better, when I run. 

Dancing, meditation and astrology also interest me. I have been doing a course in astrology, and it’s great to learn more about tarot cards and numerology. 

Because of the abusive situation, my sleep was deeply affected. I’ve learnt about boundaries from my domestic abuse worker, and I know what works for me: sleeping well, eating well and being in a good environment. 

I am working towards living in an apartment on my own and I have learnt tactics from my domestic abuse worker about how to keep myself safe. 

Another thing that helps me is hiking and being one with nature. It’s another stress reliever and I enjoy this. 

I’m also working on processing my mother's past behaviour. She’s got terminal cancer. I’m talking to my sisters, and we are beginning to understand what happened to us, that the emotional and physical abuse was completely unacceptable. I want to break the cycle of abuse and want to heal. Talking things through really helps, and I have shared what my worker tells me, to deepen their understanding of emotional and physical abuse. 

*not her real name